30 Letters in 30 days - Day 12: The Person Who Caused You The Most Pain

Maybe this is a cop out but I can't put this letter on any one person.  There have been so many people over the years and some of you have devastated me.  My words can not fully express the pain you have caused and how it has shaped me today.  You can have some Alice Cooper, instead.  This about sums up my feelings.

"only women bleed"

man's got his woman
to take his seed
he's got the power mmmhmm
she got the need
spends her life through
pleasing up her man
she feeds him dinner
yeah, anything she can

she cries alone at night too often
he smokes and drinks and don't come home at all
only women bleed
only women bleed
only women bleed
only women...
only women bleed
only women bleed

man make your hair gray
he your life's mistake
all you're really lookin' for
is an even break, 'cause
he lies right at you
you know you hate his game
slaps you once in a while
and you live and love in pain

she cries alone at night too often
he smokes and drinks and don't come home at all
only women bleed
only women bleed
only women mmmm...
only women bleed, you know
eehh, sweet..sweet mmmmmm....

he lies right at you
you know you hate this game
slaps you once in a while
and you live and love in pain

she cries alone at night too often
she smokes and drinks and don't come home at all
only women bleed
only women bleed
only womennmmmmm...
only women bleed
only womennmmmmm..mmmm.. 

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 11: A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

Grandma,

I never got to meet you, but my daddy says you were wonderful.  I wonder about you a lot...  what kinds of things you liked, what you looked like, what you smelled like, whether you would like me...  I know my daddy misses you a lot and you were so important to him.  No one really talks about you much because I think it makes them sad.  All of my brothers and sisters got to meet you and at least they have some memory.  I have a blurry picture of you and that's all.  This year I am going to try really hard to find out more about you and ask more questions.  I want to be able to tell my children about you, too.

My other grandma was really awesome and I would like to think that she gave me the love of two grandmas because you couldn't be there.  I wonder how different you guys were.  Would you have taught me to cook and make southern things?  What kinds of things would have been important to you for me to know?

I know you have a lot of grandchildren but I hope you keep an eye out on me, even though you never knew me.

Love,

Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 10: Someone You Don't Talk To As Much As You Would Like To

Jennifer,

I miss talking with you every day.  I miss sitting on the back porch and just decompressing about our shitty days.  I miss Mr. Gatti's pizza nights and Dos Flores lunches.  You have this way of cutting through all the bullshit and getting down to the root of an issue.  You never fail to but things into crystal clear perspective for me, and that is one of the things I most love about you. A lot of people don't get you, but I think I do.  I stand by my previous assertions that you really are a big mush ball inside.

Even though we don't talk as much as we used to, the quality of our conversations hasn't changed.  I know that you will still put me in my place and be 100% honest all the time.  I just wanted to thank you and tell you how much I love you.  You are such a good friend.

I hope you can come and visit soon and we will take that trip to the swamp that we have been planning for so long.  I miss you lots!

Love,

C.

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 9: Someone You Wish You Could Meet

This is a awkward letter to write because it's so personal.  I don't want to say your name but there are so many things I would like to tell you.  I will never get to meet you, not in this life anyway.  Yet, I owe so much to you and there aren't enough words to express my gratitude.

I want to say thank you.  I don't know if there is a heaven or what happens when we die, but I hope that you are looking down and checking in on us from time to time.  I hope you see what a good job you did and what a phenomenal man your child has turned out to be.  Your impact on him helped make him who he is today, and that is someone I love very much.  He is a good man, an honest and dependable man.  He amazes me every single day and is so full of love and life.  I wish we could share the excitement of our relationship with you. He says you would like me.  I hope you would.

I want you to know that I will always love him and take care of him.  I will be honest and treat him with love and respect.  I could never ever replace you, and I don't want to, but I will be there for him because you can't be.  If you are looking down on him, please keep him safe and bring him home to me.

- Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 8: My Favorite Internet Friend

Dear Cissy,

Yes, this letter is for you.  You are officially my favorite internet friend.  I am so glad I have gotten to know you. Your facebook posts make me laugh and you are always there with a helpful comment or a "like."  I really want to tell you how much your encouragement means some times.  I know it sounds silly because we only see one another once or twice per year or so and I didn't really even know you until I was an adult.  I really enjoy reading what you have to say and your kind thoughts have helped me through this difficult year.  I'm really glad you got to meet the Lt. so you can understand why I am so smitten.

Thank you for all the facebook messages and the texts.  They really really mean a lot.  I don't really know many people from my grandma's side of the family.  I never got to meet her...  Maybe one day you can tell me some stories (but not like the stories Daddy tells because I don't know how much of those I can believe!)

Both you and Spring keep me very entertained.  I can't wait to see you guys at the reunion!  I'll bring the salsa!

Love you,

Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 7 (Okay really, who is counting at this point...): An Ex

To Whom it May Concern:

No.  You don't get a name.  This letter will be as brief and impersonal as possible because to be honest, you don't deserve any more of my time.

Let me just start by giving out a great big WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  Whew! What a bullet I dodged!  I am so glad I did not end up with you!!!!!

I could fill this letter up with so much maliciousness, but really what is the point?  I don't have to because (here's the secret in case you haven't figured it out...) I won.  I ended up with everything I ever wanted and none of the nonsense you brought to the table.  Last I heard, you had finished up a stint in rehab and were dating some trashy stripper.  I'm sure your life is still in chaos because that's what you thrive in.  I'm just so glad you moved away and I got the opportunity to see what a douche bag you really are.  You also helped me see everything I don't want in a man and allowed me to fully appreciate what a phenomenal love I have now.

I could say I wish you nothing but the best, but that would be a complete and total lie.  I want nothing more than to never hear your name or see your face again.  I'm not angry, I'm just so over it and it's not worth a second more of my time.

Toodles,

Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 6: A Stranger

Dear Wal-Mart Cashier I met tonight,

I delayed writing this letter for a long time, not because I was busy or forgot but because I couldn't figure out who I wanted to write to.  I meet new people every day and maybe I'm just hard to impress but none of them inspired me.  I didn't want to waste a letter so I put off writing this until I had something to say.

You probably don't even realize what an impact you had on me.  I firmly people that random people pop in and out of our lives for a purpose.  Now, I'm not a religious person - call it fate or what have you - but I truly believe there was a reason I chose your checkout line tonight.  Our conversation was brief but it gave me some much needed encouragement when I was just having one of those days.

What you said was "Wow.  If I ate like you maybe I could lose some of this weight."  What I heard you say was "Don't stop what you are doing.  You are doing the right thing and making positive changes in your life.  Your efforts are not in vain."  I needed to hear that today.  Today I was frustrated with the scale.  I was tired and sore and just spent.  I was questioning if all this working out, label reading, and denying myself of foods I love was really worth it.  I wanted to have a Big Mac.  You're simple words, which really weren't much at all,   served as the affirmation I needed, so thank you.

My weight issues didn't start a year or two ago.  I have spent the last eleven years ruining my body with processed and fast foods, unaware of the damage I was really doing.  I'm at the point of no return.  I'm either going to make life changes to be healthy or I am going to die of some terrible disease related to obesity.  That's just the truth.  It's hard to read and even harder to write.  No one wants to be called obese, certainly not me. I'm not making these changes to look better.  I need to feel better.  I need to not be sick anymore.  I lost sight of that today and you helped bring me back to where I need to be, mentally.  I hope I was able to give you a few tips that seem to be working for me.  I wish you the very best of luck and encourage you not to give up.  It is not worth the suffering of being unhealthy to have that cheeseburger, that chocolate bar, that lasagna.  Keep your chin up.

- Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 5: My Dreams

Dear Dreams,

(Wow. Now this feels silly...) Not the sleepy time dreams, the hopes and aspirations kind...  I knew I had to write a letter to you today so I spent some time while driving thinking of just what I wanted to say.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being an archaeologist, a ballerina, the President...  I dreamed of having a two-story home with a garage and a door bell.  I dreamed of being beautiful and having everyone love me.  Now that I am a grown up, I've realized some of these dreams.  Obviously, I am not an archaeologist, nor a ballerina, nor the President.  I was able to study History, one of my passions, in college though.  Digging in the dirt just really isn't my thing.  I was able to dance in front of others (not the pole kind of dancing either!)  Some of my fondest memories of high school are of dancing and all the hard work and sacrifice it took.  I also am certain now that I do NOT want to be the President.

I've lived in a two-story home (and frankly, I don't like them) and I now have a garage and a door bell.  It's funny the things that matter to a child.  I think I just wanted a house like everyone else's.  I didn't want to be poor and different.  As for being beautiful, I have accepted I will never be a supermodel.  There are parts of me I love and parts I want to improve on.  I have a healthier self-image than I think I ever have, even when I was tiny.  Oh the irony, huh?  I've also realized that I can't make everyone love me and I don't need everyone  to anyway.  I have surrounded myself with the right people who love me just for who I am.  In this case, quality will always win over quantity.  Most importantly, I am now in a place where I love who I am.

My dreams now are very different.  I just want to be happy - and I am - and be in love with someone wonderful who takes care of me - and I am.  The dream I haven't fulfilled is the best one yet, though.  I want to be a mommy and one day I know I will be.  I find myself daydreaming about what it will be like and the things I will teach my children...  I can not wait for the day when my dream finally comes true!

-Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 4: My Siblings

You are all so different and there are different things I would like to say to each of you.  So, I guess the best way to do this is to write four mini-letters to you..  I'll go oldest to youngest to keep it fair...

Jeff,

Sometimes I don't know what to say to you.  Maybe it's harder for us because there are eighteen years between us.  Maybe we are too different or too alike...  Sometimes you are the coolest and I love hanging around you.  You tell the best stories and can make me laugh so hard.  Other times I wanna tell you that you aren't in charge of me, that I am a grown up, that you are not always right.  You and I have very different options of right and wrong.  I do wish we were closer.  I wish that we didn't argue.  I want you to know that I love you because you are my brother and that won't change.  You don't have to impress me or try to be the best around me.  One day I hope you will accept me just as I am and not feel the need to try to convince or change me.  No matter what you think, I do care about you.  It's just really hard to show it sometimes.

Jackie,

Of all my siblings, I am probably closest to you.  It's always been that way for some reason.  I know that no matter what is going on in my life you will be there for me.  There have been so many times that I don't know how I would have made it without you.  You are too kind for your own good and it makes me angry when people take advantage of you.  It's not because you are dumb (though I know that's what you think) but because you are a good person and some people will always choose to try and get what they can out of others, no matter the cost.  That being said, STOP LETTING PEOPLE DO THIS TO YOU!  Don't let your kindness be your weakness.  More than anything, I wish you could see the person in you that I see.  If you could, you could do anything.  You are you're own worst enemy.  Know that I am proud of you and I believe in you.  I will always be in your corner.

Winnie,

Of all of us, you had the most potential.  You were smart and so talented.  You wasted that and there is no one to blame but yourself.  When you are sober you are so good and kind and funny.  When you're not - I don't even recognize you.  I am so afraid you are too lost to ever come back.  I am always afraid that the next time the phone rings in the middle of the night it will be because it's over for you.  That is the path you are walking down.  I am so scared for you.  I wish you could see what your behaviors do to our family.  Maybe you do see them and you feel guilty and that too becomes part of this addict cycle.  I know you think I don't love you.  I've just had to distance myself from you because I don't know how to deal with you when you are messed up.  I'm angry about how you teat everyone.  I am sad because I miss the old you.  Everyday I try to help people get out of the mess you are in and I can't help you and that is so hard for me.  You are in my prayers more than anyone else.

Janet,

I miss you.  We have both said and done things to one another and weren't okay.  I was just trying to protect you from someone I thought was hurting you.  You weren't there for me in the darkest of dark times and I have to admit that I am pretty angry about that.  I've shelved that anger though and truly want to have a better relationship with you.  It's not that I am trying to pretend all that stuff didn't happen.  It's just that I can only say I am sorry so many times.  I am sorry for hurting you but I am not sorry for what I did because I still think I was right.  I worry about you growing old and alone because of the choices you have made, but I realize they are your choices to make.  I really just want you to be happy.  I have so many good memories with you.  I hope we can be close again one day.

I love you all very much.

- Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 3: My Parents

Mom and Dad,

This might just be the hardest letter for me to write.  I can't say you were the best parents, but I also can't say you were the worst either.  I would like to say you did the best you could with what you had given the circumstances, but that isn't true either.  The truth is there were things you screwed up pretty bad sometimes.  I'm sure I wasn't the easiest child to parent at times either.  You were not perfect parents and I have forgiven you for those icky times.

I'm sorry I was a jerk for so many years.  I was very angry with you for a long time and distanced myself from you.  I have said and done things to you that I regret and can never take back.  Thank you for continuing to love me even when I didn't deserve it.

I could not have made it these last few years without you.  You've been a constant support through everything from divorce and losing everything to getting back on my feet and dealing with Jimmy's deployment.  I know that when I need you, you will be there.

Everyday I see parents who throw their kids away and I want to thank you for never throwing me away.  We may not have had much but you made sure I was always clean and I never went hungry.  You never dumped me off and told someone else to take responsibility for me.  You never let anyone hurt me.

I credit a great deal of who I am to values you instilled in me: generosity and kindness towards others; service to the community; pride and work ethic; family values.  I am so grateful for everything you've taught me and helped me become.

I love you guys so much.

- Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 2: My Love

Jimmy,

I was really excited to see that I get to write a letter to you today!  I could write this letter forever and never fully convey all the things you mean to me...

Meeting you changed my life.  From the very first day we clicked and each day just gets better and better.  Every time my heart is bursting with love for you I think, "I can not possibly love anyone more than this."  And then I find myself falling more and more in love with you.  You are, without a doubt, THE love of my life.  I have never known anything like this and I can't imagine anything better than this.

Before I met you I felt as though there was this void in my life, this hole that could not be filled no matter how hard I (and others) tried.  I could never just be me with someone until I met you.  I put up so many walls and defenses but you just walked right through them and into my heart.  You have been so real and upfront about everything, allowing me to see the real you from the beginning with no gimmicks or facades.  You've kept every promise and never given me even the tiniest reason to doubt you or mistrust you.  You are the real deal and they just don't make them like you any more.  I have searched my entire life for someone who makes me feel the way that you make me feel and I am so glad I don't have to look anymore.  I have found everything I could ever dream of with you.

I am so happy to have fallen in love with my friend.  I love that we can be partners and lovers and friends - the whole package.  I love laughing and being silly with you.  We have more in common than most people would think given how we come from such different backgrounds.  We share a unique cool nerdiness that few can pull off.  And I can kick your ass in Lord of Rings Trivia!!!!

I miss you everyday.  You are never out of my thoughts and always in my heart.  I understand why you had to go, but it doesn't stop me from constantly wishing you were here.  I try not to worry too much, but I worry because I don't want to lose the best thing I've ever had.  I am so looking forward to making more memories with you.

Most of all I want to thank you for showing me what it means to really live.  I think a lot of people (I was one of them) go through life and they aren't really happy and they have no idea how to achieve happiness.  I certainly looked for it in a lot of places and tried so hard to make happiness happen.  You made being happy as easy as breathing.  You have thought me to be grateful for each moment and to appreciate the small things in life.  I now live in the moment and enjoy each and every moment because you are with me, no matter where you are.

I love you so very much.

- Charity

30 Letters in 30 days - Day 1: My Best Friend

Angela,

We are not the friends we used to be.  Time and distance and insanity (on both our parts?) has changed and worn our relationship.  Like a pair of old blue jeans, there are tatters, frays, rips, fades...  Sometimes the jeans don't fit the way they used to.  But they are still my favorite pair of jeans.

More than anyone in the entire world, you get me.  We get each other.  We are more alike that we would ever admit and as different as night and day.  We've fought like cats and dogs and said terrible things to one another.  We meant them, too.  But we always come around back to our friendship because in the end, we get each other.

The experience I shared with you during the summer of 2009 will always be with me.  You saved my life.  If it hadn't been for you pushing and insisting and being there for me...  I know this left a deep scar on our friendship and exhausted you.  I regret that but I am so grateful for your being there for me.  I could never ever repay you.

Lately we don't talk much.  I know you are so tired and struggling and I wish I could be there for you like you were for me.  Geographically, this is impossible.  I miss talking and laughing with you.  I miss lunch dates and karaoke and smore making with you.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you so much.  You are like the little sister I never had.  I hope that one day we can patch these jeans and have the friendship we had before everything went crazy.  I've never had many friends, always preferring to have a few good ones to a ton of just so so friends.  You are the best friend I have ever had.

I'm sorry for all the things I've said and done that hurt you.  I hope you can look at the situation I was in and understand the place I was coming from wasn't a healthy one.  I know that doesn't excuse those things and "I'm sorry" doesn't feel like enough, but that's all I can do.

I miss you so much.

- Charity

30 Letters in 30 days

Anyone who knows me and knows my friend Brandon knows we are two peas in a pod.  What one does, the other is likely to do...  We've followed one another to jobs (the good, bad, and ugly) and in and out of various trends and obsessions throughout the years.

Recently Brandon started a blog and began to write 30 letters in 30 days to various people who have touched his life.  As I read through each letter I was moved by the honesty and intimacy he expressed with his writings.  I, too, was inspired to take on this project and see it as an amazing opportunity for personal growth.

It will be fun to see who these letters will go to...  If nothing else, this is a great opportunity to write again, which is something I've really missed doing.

- Charity