You are all so different and there are different things I would like to say to each of you. So, I guess the best way to do this is to write four mini-letters to you.. I'll go oldest to youngest to keep it fair...
Jeff,
Sometimes I don't know what to say to you. Maybe it's harder for us because there are eighteen years between us. Maybe we are too different or too alike... Sometimes you are the coolest and I love hanging around you. You tell the best stories and can make me laugh so hard. Other times I wanna tell you that you aren't in charge of me, that I am a grown up, that you are not always right. You and I have very different options of right and wrong. I do wish we were closer. I wish that we didn't argue. I want you to know that I love you because you are my brother and that won't change. You don't have to impress me or try to be the best around me. One day I hope you will accept me just as I am and not feel the need to try to convince or change me. No matter what you think, I do care about you. It's just really hard to show it sometimes.
Jackie,
Of all my siblings, I am probably closest to you. It's always been that way for some reason. I know that no matter what is going on in my life you will be there for me. There have been so many times that I don't know how I would have made it without you. You are too kind for your own good and it makes me angry when people take advantage of you. It's not because you are dumb (though I know that's what you think) but because you are a good person and some people will always choose to try and get what they can out of others, no matter the cost. That being said, STOP LETTING PEOPLE DO THIS TO YOU! Don't let your kindness be your weakness. More than anything, I wish you could see the person in you that I see. If you could, you could do anything. You are you're own worst enemy. Know that I am proud of you and I believe in you. I will always be in your corner.
Winnie,
Of all of us, you had the most potential. You were smart and so talented. You wasted that and there is no one to blame but yourself. When you are sober you are so good and kind and funny. When you're not - I don't even recognize you. I am so afraid you are too lost to ever come back. I am always afraid that the next time the phone rings in the middle of the night it will be because it's over for you. That is the path you are walking down. I am so scared for you. I wish you could see what your behaviors do to our family. Maybe you do see them and you feel guilty and that too becomes part of this addict cycle. I know you think I don't love you. I've just had to distance myself from you because I don't know how to deal with you when you are messed up. I'm angry about how you teat everyone. I am sad because I miss the old you. Everyday I try to help people get out of the mess you are in and I can't help you and that is so hard for me. You are in my prayers more than anyone else.
Janet,
I miss you. We have both said and done things to one another and weren't okay. I was just trying to protect you from someone I thought was hurting you. You weren't there for me in the darkest of dark times and I have to admit that I am pretty angry about that. I've shelved that anger though and truly want to have a better relationship with you. It's not that I am trying to pretend all that stuff didn't happen. It's just that I can only say I am sorry so many times. I am sorry for hurting you but I am not sorry for what I did because I still think I was right. I worry about you growing old and alone because of the choices you have made, but I realize they are your choices to make. I really just want you to be happy. I have so many good memories with you. I hope we can be close again one day.
I love you all very much.
- Charity
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